Org@sms are not one-size-fits-all. What works for one woman won’t work for everyone and what worked for you with one partner might not work with another. According to s.e.xologist Carole Altman, PhD, author of You Can Be Your Own S.e.x Therapist, “You have to own your org@sm — you can’t just rely on a man to get the job done.” The first step: trouble-shooting for possible circumstantial things that may be holding you back.
There’s Not Enough Foreplay
Here’s the scenario. Your partner is ~extremely~ eager to have s.e.x. And you may be too but there’s a very good reason to never skimp on the foreplay:
“Most women need about 20 minutes of arousal time to reach the ‘orgasm!c platform,’ when the cl!toris is most sensitive and the body is primed for stimulation. “Skipping the whole s.e.xual-response cycle makes it harder to get off.” Twenty minutes may sound like a long time but trust, any partner who can’t spend a mere matter of minutes making you feel good is not worth your time.
For many, it’s a turn-on. “It was really hard for me to org@sm so I’d tell my boyfriend, ‘It’s OK, don’t worry about it’ when it didn’t happen,” says Melissa,* 29. One night, he told me to lie back and just let him do his thing to me. I eventually org@smed and he clearly loved every minute he spent getting me off.” A bonus of peaking preintercourse: “Having an org@sm during foreplay increases a woman’s chances of climaxing during intercourse”.
You Might Be Mentally Tuning Out
It’s easy to get distracted during s.e.x. Everything from “I wonder what my b00bs look like from this angle?” to “Wow, he should have that mole on his chest checked out” can make you lose focus. And once that happens, your org@sm is down for the count. “Your brain is a vital part of the s.e.xual experience, registering sensations and releasing feel-good chemicals to the body.” “Any mental distraction can spark conflicting, nons.e.xual impulses in the brain and lessen your pleasure.”
So what if you find yourself making a mental grocery list mid-act? First, reengage your body. “Focus on how he feels inside you and how your body is responding,”. “Also touch yourself or even switch positions to physically bring yourself back to the s.e.x.”
Another tune-in trick: breathing slowly and deeply from the pit of your belly. “Yogic breath will not only keep you centered, it will also make the s.e.x better”. “Circular breathing, where you try to sync up your inhalations with your partner’s, can put the focus back on the body and help you reconnect with each other.”
There’s Not Enough Cl!toral Stimulation
The cl!toris is the most important area of your body to touch during s.e.x (duh). “There are more nerve endings there than there are inside the v@gina,”. “So it’s rare for women to have an org@sm without some sort of cl!toral stimulation.”
To stimulate your c!it during intercourse, climb into woman-on-top position, arch your body toward him, and grind your pleasure point against his pelvis. If you’re in missionary, make sure to keep your legs pressed tightly together while moving your hips in a circular motion. “As he is moving in and out at this angle, it will stimulate the cl!toris”. “It can also create friction between your vaginal lips and your clitoris, which can enhance sensation.” Or you can try stimulation when you’re in doggy style or girl-on-top position.
You’re Forgetting to Pee First
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to overlook the little things like, say, your bladder. If you have to pee, a pen!s in your v@gina — stimulating the back wall — can make you clench up. The result? You don’t let go and climax.
Fortunately, there’s a simple solution: Use the bathroom just prior to s.e.x. “Since you know you don’t have to pee, when you’re on the verge of orgasm, you’ll be able to go with the sensations and let loose”. Not to mention the fact that peeing first can greatly decrease your risk of a UTI.
There’s Too Much Position-Changing
Crazy, didn’t-know-my-body-could-bend-that-way positions are always a fun way to keep your s.e.x life exciting but testing out too many in one sitting actually makes it harder to orgasm. “The key to satisfaction is steady stimulation in a position that hits your pleasure points”. “You need to develop a rhythm, and once you feel yourself building toward climax, the sensation must be consistent or you’ll lose momentum.”
If for some reason you get sidetracked and have to start from square one, don’t panic. Just get yourselves back into that org@sm-inducing position and go for round two.
You Might Have Anorgasmia
Which is basically just the inability to org@sm. In a study about women’s sexual dysfunction, 24 percent of the women involved reported org@smic dysfunction. That’s not a small number! The causes really vary: anything from anxiety to certain medications can trigger it. The most important thing to remember is that you should always talk to your general practitioner or ob-gyn about what might be going on if it’s bothering you. A list on the internet can’t diagnose a clinical concern but your doctor sure can. Don’t ever be afraid to seek more information.