Problem: One of you would like more space when you sleep, and the other likes to pretend you are an octopus wrapped around a helpless crab.

Solution: Purchase a king-size bed and a body pillow with a picture of a mollusk on it.

Problem: One of you snores, and the other won’t just get some earplugs already.

Solution: Buy a second home. I hear Fiji is nice.

Problem: One adult is a side sleeper, the other is a back sleeper, and your toddler prefers to sleep with a foot in someone’s face.

Solution: Have another child.

Problem: One of you likes a soft mattress, and the other likes a hard mattress.

Solution: Bunk beds.

Problem: One of you is nostalgic for water beds, and the other isn’t.

Solution: Fill 200 quart-sized Baggies with water; glue them to one side of the bed; cover the bed with a sheet. When you bring your partner in to show off your handiwork, sweep your hand over the bed and say “Voilà.”

Problem: One of you stays up late to not get extra work done, and the other gets up early to not exercise.

Solution: Set one nightstand clock to two hours ahead, and the other to two hours behind. When your boss reprimands you for being late to work again, just explain that time is a social construct.

Problem: One of you likes to fall asleep to nature sounds, and the other likes silence.

Solution: Relocate one person to a tent outside. I think you know who.

Problem: One of you sleepwalks, and the other is awakened by it.

Solution: Show the sleepwalker to a cozy cot you have set up for them in the kitchen. Hopefully they will sleep-empty the dishwasher, too.

Problem: You would both like a softer bed, but you can’t afford one.

Solution: Stuff the top of your mattress with hay.

Problem: One person always steals the covers.

Solution: Purchase matching Snuggies. Leopard print is a timeless look, but choose what you like.

Problem: One of you tosses and turns all night, and the other doesn’t sleep well in a bed that recreates a crossing of the Drake Passage.

Solution: Move the restless sleeper to a hyperbaric chamber (ideally on a space ship).

Problem: One of you likes to read in bed every night, and the last “book” the other person read was the Cliff’s Notes version of Jane Eyre in high school.

Solution: I guess one of you could move to the attic, but do you really see this relationship going anywhere?